The truth comes out
Youths come to terms with being homosexual

story by jenifer hanrahan

When Frances Bradley told her high school classmates she was a lesbian, the reaction was swift.

Her friends promised to stick by her. A few students lectured her about why homosexuality is wrong. But many of her classmates seemed mostly curious, Bradley said.

"People at school ask me about it all the time," said the 18-year-old Rancho Bernardo High School senior. "They want to know if I still find guys attractive. They want to know how I know for sure. And guys always ask me which girls I think are hot."

Societal attitudes toward homosexuality appear to be more accepting. As with other cultural shifts, teen-agers and young adults are among the most open-minded.

About 54 percent of teens said they "don't have any problem with homosexuality" in 1999 compared with 17 percent in 1991, according to a Seventeen magazine and Kaiser Family Foundation survey.

About 77 percent of young adults ages 18 to 24 say they favor increased penalties for people who commit hate crimes against gays, and 72 percent support providing full legal rights for gay couples forming civil unions, says an MTV and Kaiser Family Foundation study.

Several high schools in the San Diego area and hundreds nationwide have started Gay-Straight Alliances, clubs made up of openly gay students and their straight supporters. Several schools, including Rancho Bernardo High, have also started support groups for youths questioning their sexual identity.

And San Diego's first gay and lesbian youth center, funded by state and county dollars, opened in Hillcrest last summer. The phone number is (619) 497-2920.

Despite the more tolerant climate, young people say coming to terms with being gay is difficult and frightening. "Coming out" means risking rejection from friends and parents.

"You have to put yourself before two people who you care about more than anything and say, 'This is who I am. Are you still going to love me?'" said Laura Sherwood, 20. "Sometimes they do. Sometimes they don't."

Just as agonizing, gay and lesbian youths say they have to learn to accept themselves.

"When I would see a girl, and I was attracted to her, I wanted to claw my eyes out," said Mayra Bermudez, 23, of Chula Vista. "I hated myself for the way I was feeling."

Fitting in

Aaron Strout was horrified when, at age 13, he figured out the feelings he had for other boys meant he was gay.

He prayed God would change him. When that didn't work, he left a note for his parents confessing his feelings and ran away.

By midnight, he had gotten only a few miles. His parents picked him up.

"They hugged me and told me they loved me and decided I needed help," said Strout, now 18. "They couldn't believe I wasn't attracted to girls."

Strout, whose family goes to a Pentecostal Christian church, had been home-schooled since sixth grade, in part because he had trouble fitting in. Strout's internal anguish about being "not normal" is a common experience among gay youths.

Studies have shown that a large proportion of teen-age runaways are gay, said Heather Berberet, director of the Hillcrest Youth Center. Gay youths also have higher rates of depression and suicide, she said.

Bermudez was so determined to hide her feelings for girls she even made anti-gay comments. "I did not want this," she said. "I wanted to be normal. I wish I could just shed it, just come undone and take it out of me."

Shifting attitudes

Even a decade ago, gay teens rarely publicly proclaimed their feelings. Times have changed.

"They are coming out younger and more often," Berberet said.

Most of the evidence is anecdotal. One study showed that in the 1970s, the average age boys disclosed their sexual orientation to family and friends was their mid-20s. By 1998, the average was 16 to 18 years old, according to research by Ritch Savin-Williams, a professor of developmental and clinical psychology at Cornell University in Ithaca, N.Y.

One reason for the shift is the Internet, which gives kids access to information on gay issues and links even those in small towns with other gays, Savin-Williams said.

Hollywood also has a profound influence. In pop culture, teens can look to Ellen DeGeneres, Melissa Etheridge and Rudy Galindo. On television, there's "Will & Grace," in which the lead male character is gay, and Showtime's new series, "Queer as Folk," a controversial adult gay drama. On the hit teen drama Dawson's Creek, last year's season finale included a kiss between two gay characters.

Kids are disclosing their sexuality "earlier and earlier because of the incredible visibility of gay issues," Savins-Williams said. "Turn on the TV and you can't help but see a gay character. It's in our magazines, newspapers and movies."

Gay youths are also getting support closer to home through Gay-Straight Alliances and other programs.

Lori Brickley, a biology teacher at Rancho Bernardo High School, was named San Diego County's "Teacher of the Year" in 1995.

Two years ago, her revelation that she was a lesbian became the impetus for starting first a faculty, and later a student, Gay-Straight Alliance on campus. About 40 students come to the weekly meeting; six are openly gay. An additional 10 students go to a support group for kids who are gay or questioning their sexual identity.

Coming out was an enormous relief for her and the teens, Brickley said.

"I see this incredible blossoming of their personality," she said. "After the come out, they can stop worrying about being gay. It doesn't consume them anymore. They can start living their life instead of dwelling on the terrible secret they think they have."

Going home

For young people not ready to come out, there's the Hillcrest Youth Center, opened last summer by the San Diego Lesbian and Gay Men's Community Center.

The youth center, in a house in Hillcrest, was founded as a haven for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender youth, but it's open to anyone ages 14 to 24.

Young people come for companionship and an atmosphere where flirting with someone of the same sex is OK. The center also offers counseling.

One recent evening, 30 or so youths lounged on overstuffed couches and listened to Bob Marley and Nirvana on a boom box. They did homework, surfed the Internet and played video games.

"When you walk in the door, it feels like home," Laura Sherwood said. "You know there are other people like you."

Despite the more tolerant climate outside the youth center, gay youths know tolerance is not the same as acceptance.

Many openly gay youths report routinely hearing slurs and being taunted. Many know there are lines they do not dare cross, like holding hands with their same-sex date at school or the mall.

Frances Bradley, a member of Rancho Bernardo High School's varsity gymnastics team, hopes one day everyone will realize gay youths are more like everyone else than they are different.

This spring, Bradley has asked a young woman to the prom.

"It's going to be a big step for me," Bradley said. "Every other school dance I always brought a guy. This time, it's going to me the true me, not somebody who's pretending."

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