GRAND RAPIDS PRESS

Parents Reach Spiritual Crossroads
Their faith is shaken in the CRC as they come to grips with their son's homosexuality.

By Charles Honey The Grand Rapids Press

Don and Carmen Bergman were getting ready for bed when they got the phone call that would change their life.

Their son Brad was calling from California. When he told his mom he had to talk to both of them, she knew something was wrong. A few uneasy minutes later, Brad told them: "Mom and Dad, I'm gay."

"It was a total shock," Carmen Bergman recalls of that night in July 1995. "I said, 'No, Brad, are you sure?'"

He was sure, Brad told them in a two-hour conversation. Suddenly, the Bergmans knew who their 23-year-old son really was, and why as a teen he'd go to his room saying he hated himself.

What began that night as a painful personal discovery for the Bergmans turned into a public nightmare. last spring, Bergman lost his teaching job of 30 years at Kalamazoo Christian High School because of his views on homosexuality - views he arrived at in coming to terms with his son.

This week, Bergman talked for the first time publicly about an ordeal that cost him his livelihood and shook his faith in the Christian Reformed Church.

The 54-year-old Kalamazoo resident now works for a glass distributing company. He doesn't expect to teach again. And he's not sure how long he and Carmen can stay in the CRC, after what they've experienced the last two years.

"We've lost an awful lot more than money," says Bergman. "I lost a vision of what I thought my church was. I thought the church was about helping people. On this issue, it's hurting people."

As Bergman ponders his future, the Grand Rapids-based denomination faces big decisions on how to treat gays and lesbians.

A group of 15 Grand Rapids CRCs is due to vote Thursday on whether to continue the ministerial credentials of the Rev. Jim Lucas, a gay but celibate minister who must find a ministry assignment to remain a minister.

Both the Bergman and Lucas cases highlight the pain and conflict within the CRC as it tries to come to grips with an issue dividing denominations nationwide.

A 1973 CRC report said homosexual orientation in itself is not sinful but homosexual practice is. It concluded most gays don't choose their orientation, but that the Bible clearly condemns homosexual acts. It also called for more acceptance and inclusion of gays in the life of the church.

Some say little has been done to make gays feel more welcome. A study committee is working on ways to turn the report into meaningful action.

While a surprising number of pastors and churches are quietly working with gays, "the vast majority of the church has not addressed the topic in any significant way," says committee chairman Melvin Hugen.

Hugen thinks the CRC's biggest problem is people's reluctance to talk about homosexuality "That's a much bigger issue than the position the church has taken on this," says Hugen, professor of pastoral care at Calvin Theological Seminary. "Unless they talk about it, there's no genuine compassion, no empathy, no willingness to reach out."

Lucas says that unwillingness is driving gays out of the CRC. Many feel they have to hide their orientation, or that they're only accepted as gays as long as they deny their longing for a deep relationship, he says.

"The gay people I know are basically giving up on the CRC, Lucas says. "They say, 'Why hang in there when there are friendlier pastures?'

"It's happening so quietly and invisibly. Nobody even knows why they left."

If Don and Carmen Bergman or their son Brad leave the church, people will know why.

Grand Rapids natives raised in the CRC, the Bergmans hadn't thought much about homosexuality until Brad came out to them. He himself grew up feeling homosexuality was an unforgivable sin. He felt uncomfortable with girls but repressed any suspicions he might be gay. 1995 he realized he was, and felt he had to tell his parents. Whenever his mom said, "I love you," at the end of their weekly phone conversations, Brad wondered, "If she knew this about me, would she still say 'I love you'? "

His parents were incredulous in that first call 2-1/2 years ago. They asked him why he would choose to be gay; Brad said he didn't choose it. They told him to get counseling to change his orientation. Don said he should stay celibate. Brad said he didn't think he could.

Feeling 'Immeasurably sad'

When they got off the phone about midnight, Carmen felt "immeasurably sad. I thought, 'What kind of a life is he going to have.'"

But some things clicked into place. Brad had always been creative, active in music and drama, but suffered from low self-esteem. He'd once threatened suicide and went through years of counseling with his parents.

A few weeks later, Brad came home for a weekend. Lucas helped counsel Brad and his shell-shocked parents. He recalls, "They were literally afraid he was going to hell."

But over those few days the Bergmans decided they needed to learn more about homosexuality. What Brad was telling them didn't fit with what the CRC had taught them.

They began to accept who he was - and that he didn't feel he could be celibate. Rather, they told him they wanted him to remain chaste until he found the person he wanted to spend his life with - the same rule they set for Brad's brother, who Isn't gay.

"We felt he was entitled to have somebody to love," Carmen says.

That permission brought them closer to Brad, but it contradicted CRC teaching. Eventually, it cost Don his job.

When he returned to Kalamazoo Christian High, where he taught history, Don urged the staff to develop policies on how to discuss homosexuality. For Brad had spent an unhappy adolescence in this same school system, hearing other students call him a "fag" even though he didn't think he was gay. Don realized there were other gay kids like his son, suffering silently. What would the school do, he asked, when one of its students acknowledged being gay?

He says he got nowhere. Colleagues told him he'd get himself in hot water if he talked about such things. The message, he says, was, "It's evil and if you talk about it, you create more gay' people."

School officials dispute Bergman

Bruce Hekman, superintendent of the Kalamazoo Christian School Association, disputes that. He says the 1,400-student private school system, which is independent of the church but requires conformance to historic Reformed doctrines, takes concerns about gay students "very seriously."

But Bergman "wanted to see things happen immediately," Hekman says. "We didn't feel we were equipped enough to write policies and change curriculum." A task force is working on policies about homosexuality and other social issues, he adds.

What parents, students and the school system objected to was Bergman "using the classroom as a forum for discussion" about Brad and homosexuality, Hekman says.

Bergman says he only mentioned his son a couple of times, after Brad had publicly acknowledged he was gay. He says he simply told students Brad was gay, and that he loved him. He also told some classes about the 1973 report on homosexuality. The administration had him sign an agreement to not speak against the CRC position, in or out of school, or risk termination.

The issue came to a head in the fall of 1996, when Bergman was nominated for, then taken off, the CRC study committee on ministry to gays.

Bergman was removed after CRC officials learned of views he expressed in a 1995 letter to Classis Grand Rapids East. The letter, forwarded anonymously to CRC officials, described the Bergmans' experience with Brad. It detailed Bergman's view that, if a gay person is unable to remain celibate, the best alternative is a long-term committed relationship.

That view contradicted the 1973 policy, which states any homosexual activity is sinful. Since the committee was directed to stay within the bounds of the policy, and Bergman wanted to change it, it was inappropriate for him to serve, officials decided.

Bergman accepts that decision - but not what happened after it hit the news several weeks later.

By making his views public - inaccurately, Bergman says - the publicity brought down more parental pressure on the school. There followed a series of meetings between Bergman and school officials, some including Bergman's attorney.

Teaching contract not renewed

Finally, last March the school association board Voted not to renew Bergman's yearly contract because of his "unbiblical" position on gay relationships, Hekman says the decision was difficult but necessary for the schools' integrity.

Some in the CRC called it an injustice. Hessel Bouma III, who chaired a Classis Grand Rapids East committee on homosexual ministry, says the school's action had "a very chilling effect" on the CRC's outreach to gays.

After that, Bergman felt under increased pressure from administrators to resign even before his contact expired. In early May, he heard he was about to be fired due to parents' complaints. On May 9, the day he'd been told a meeting would be held, he walked out, three weeks before school was over. His psychologist ordered him not to come back because of his emotional stress.

Bergman slid Into depression, feeling abandoned by his colleagues and community. Although several CRC pastors urged the school to retain him, he and Carmen felt their own congregation did not support them unless they changed their views about Brad. They changed congregations instead.

"The sense of betrayal was tremendous, Don says quietly.

"We had devoted 30 years to our Christian community, and when we went to them for support, it was not there," Carmen adds.

Last summer, Don got a job with Glass Distributors Inc. of Kalamazoo. He sent out 100 applications to public schools for teaching jobs, but got only two interviews.

"Realistically, I'd say It's over," he says of his teaching career.

Meanwhile, Brad, now 25, is considering leaving his CRC church in Burbank, Calif., feeling they'll only accept him as long as he's not in a relationship.

His parents aren't ready to leave the CRC yet. But they say they can't stay unless the church learns to accept Brad as he is.

(NOTE: Brad Bergman is online at LstRmantic@aol.com)